Betrayal dynamics

Yesterday I had an epiphany. I have a crazy paranoia of betrayal.

Betrayal is just about the person who tells you, that he/she loves you, actually loves someone more than you. It’s a subtle change and sometime sudden change of attention dynamics.

You were the apple of your mom’s eye, and then suddenly a baby is born in the family. You feel betrayed. Now is it your moms fault that the baby is adorable?

Adultery, is a kind of similar betrayal. Well, now he/she finds someone cuter and more loving than you. Simple as it may sound. I am just not able to handle this betrayal.

So I put up a condition, if you are going to betray me, tell me about it. In this way, I just don’t get taken up by a nasty unpleasant surprise.

There are some people who will leave the sinking boat, but I want them to sink with me. This is crazier than the titanic gets. So I am a difficult man…

I went to the Astrologer Rant.

The day and time we are born gives the astrologer the computer programme code of our life. The astrologer cannot alter it, but he can read it. The programmer is some super human being, simulating our life.

We humans are using the astrologer to decode this code. We don’t want to live by his programme, we have a free will, which again is programme by HIM to make us believe the same .

So believing we can alter the programme by conspiring with our astrologer. The problem is the astrologer is also a human programmed by the super human to deceive us.. The code is also known as the natural laws of this universe.

The ultimate frustration is that some super powerful person can control us and make us do things. How do I hack this code and turn the tables around, so I can reverse programme and control this super human?

miradeshazer / Pixabay

Rewiring of the Brain – End of Relationships

She was never on my mind, but she was all over my life. My day started with her and it would end with her. Right from the walks to all the talks, this was not love, but companionship.

But companionship without love, how would it last? Is it convenience – “like what will I do with all the free time? I will go crazy. “

But it has it merits, it boosts your confidence and the companionship is good for health. It increases your appetite. You could travel as lovers and friends, without connecting and knowing each other.

Then it snapped. Something went wrong, like the brain got rewired over-night. Was the relationship so immaterial that I could wake up and walk away, dusting my hand’s off? Yes, I did it. It was never about me, I was an character in a play. I knew this was not real, it was acting.

But what about those in-convenient messy relationships? Those relationships you cant dust your hand’s off? Those messy relationships, you wonder if its on or off ?

These inconvenient relationship are like some road worker, sledge hammering your brain to create new neural pathways. You scream and plead, there is enough mess in my life, I don’t need a new one. You tell yourself, you have done it in the past, you could wake up one day without any residual feelings and walk away.
But these messy relationships start defining you. It becomes part of your identity, a digital signature hardwired in your memory.

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p dir=”auto”>This stranglehold of the brain is of the heart. The heart likes messy, it like to bleed and weep and despair. It likes to cheat and feel guilty. It wants to forgive and start again.

We let our hearts take over our brain, the brain wants change, the heart wants permanency. We want relationships which would last and wouldn’t be easy to get out of.

Growing up with Booze – Drunk Diaries

Junior College –

I must be 18; its New Years Eve may 1990.

My friend Prem has invited me to his house party with his fellow friends. Prem lives in Jogeshwari just behind Ismail Yusuf College; he has rowdy friends. Rowdy is an understatement, one of the guys in the party is a tadi-paar gangster, he has several murder cases on him.
This kind of party is unique to me, before this, I must have spent most of my NYE party at home with family.
There is endless booze, every kind of alcoholic drinks are available. We are all sitting in Prem’s small living room with about 25 young guys who want to boast about their drinking prowess and their Bhai Giri status and which girl they are pursuing or harassing. I feel like not part of the crowd, but the crowd is happy to indulge me, I feel I am being forgiven and accepted for not being like them, they appreciate my courage of being there as Prem’s college friend.
The tadi paar gangster a thin guy (most popular guy in the party), sweet talks non-challantly about his nefarious activities. The bunch were too rowdy for me, my ego is hurt, because I am overwhelmed, and there is nothing I could do to impress these guys. So I shut my mouth and keep drinking the rum or vodka so that I could gather maybe a fraction of their badassery. I miserably fail, I cannot even say “madar.. behen..” I am so fuck*ing pious.
I keep drinking, and just resolve to be a good listener. I am dead drunk and don’t know what happened next and how I reached home.

Engineering College –

New Years Eve – 1993 –

I am invited to a New Years Eve with my engineering college friends, they are badass but in a studios way, they drink, they are smokers, but they don’t do drugs. I again don’t feel part of them; I am just not good at my studies like them. They all think I am a zombie, but they put up with me, I don’t have any emotional connect with them, other than Vaibhav, who I lend money for his bus tickets on and off.

Again, I have nothing to say here, that makes me frustrated, they are all competing on finishing that dreaded whisky called “green label”. I too join the game, I know, my body doesn’t puke till five pegs.
It is about 3 am, everyone has started vomiting except me, the entire apartment is full of vomit, the basins are choked up, I know, I can’t go home, everyone has puked up, and gone to sleep by 4 am, I trying to sleep in whatever dry area is there.

A trip to Ratnagiri with a friend.

Maybe 1993/94 –

Nikhil has an immense passion for life, he has so many dreams, on the contrary for me, I didnt know what the fuck I am doing in this world. Nikhil was a complete antithesis of my personality. Nikhil was aggressive, passionate and immensely curious about all the right things in life including booze.
He enthusiastically joins me on one of my trips to my parent’s house in Ratnagiri. I am quite happy, as I just don’t relate to any of the people of my age in Ratnagiri. Nikhil is somehow able to communicate with me, and we sync. He is not judgemental and doesn’t think of me as a Zombie (like others do), I feel accepted, and I am ready to accept him as a friend.

On our last day before leaving back to mumbai, we make up a last minute plan to drink ourselves to our brain. I am driving, we pick up booze, and head out to the most scenic place in Ratnagiri which is a cliff, we park our car and watch the ocean. It must be around 4 pm. By the time it is 6, we realise we are out of booze. I mean about six strong beers and a couple of small bottles of whisky were not enough for us youngsters.
We drive down back to the wine shop, and buy more booze, we drive up to the hill and drink the rest of the stuff. I am wondering if I can drive back home, about three km away, without an accident. But I don’t have much of choice, I cannot leave the car, and we won’t get a bus to get back home, I manage the drive back home without killing anyone.

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p dir=”ltr”>We reach home and are both taking turns vomiting our gut out; we are in no mood to have dinner. But Dad insists saying mum, would feel hurt if we don’t have dinner. We force the dinner down our throats; dad drives us to the bus stand, and we set out to Mumbai.

We puke more in the bus, and reach Mumbai, still dazed and not sober.

What if you lost everyone you loved next minute

This week I finished two books, and they were amazing reads. One of them was Wave: A Memoir of Life After the Tsunami by Sonali Deraniyagala.

Sonali was the only survivor from her family when she was travelling on vacation to her home back in Srilanka. She lost her husband and her two boys along with her old parents in the Tsunami of December 2004.
The book is a quick read at just 274 pages and is gives you an insight on her arduous journey after her catastrophic loss.

I will just quote this one small snippet to give you an idea of the book.

Such a puny life. Starved of their loveliness, I feel shrunken. Diminished and faded, without their sustenance, their beauty, their smiles. Nothing like how I was that day before the wave, when we sat in the back of a jeep

 

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p dir=”auto”>.

If I could write a song or a poem for every relationship

Today Leonard Cohen passed away, After reading this rather long piece by David Remnick, you realise most of his songs was autobiographical. Leonard had several romantic relationships, and he has beautifully portrayed them in his songs.

I have had my share of relationships and I realised how each one was beautiful and unique in some ways, but I am just not a poet or a songwriter to describe them like Leonard. I feel being a good writer or being able to express oneself is very important, as that’s the way the next generation, learns from the previous. My blogs are my work in progress to become a good communicator. I don’t think I will be the best, but the stories I tell will be exclusively mine so pure and authentic.

Check out Marianne by Leonard Cohen below.

 

How Vijay (Amitabh Bachchan) made me an Atheist.

Nowadays I don’t get influenced by Hindi movies, but when I was a kid, the only way for a new idea to take roots in my brain was via Hindi films, and mostly it was the special occasion of watching an Amitabh movie. I guess no other film has impacted me more than the movie Deewar.

Amitabh’s character Vijay in Deewar is how I modelled myself, along with a strong influence of Bruce Lee my other Hero. Our household wasn’t very religious, but someone in the house would light agarbatti and diya in the morning and evening at our house. I had nothing to do with it after I saw Amitabh blaming GOD for all the hardships his mother and he faced when he was a kid.

I also conveniently blamed the invisible Gods for all my childhood problems, cause my childhood wasn’t normal like other children in the neighbourhood, I couldn’t blend in.

Check out this scene from Deewar, its sounds almost funny now, and I cant bear to watch it.

The most dangerous man is the one who has nothing to lose.

The most dangerous man is the one who has nothing to lose.

Look at this case of the sensational murder case of Monica Ghurde. A 21 one-year-old man, a building watchman, gets fired because of a complaint from Monica Ghurde, his two months salary about Rs 21000 is withheld by the company because of Monica’s claim that he stole her umbrella, which might be maximum around a Rs 1000.

Murder is never the answer unless it’s committed by the state to protect the good people against the bad people. But individuals have surrendered their right to the state for revenge.

But where would a 21-year-old guy go for justice because of an umbrella theft ( whose salary is withheld by his employers )? Would the court trust Monica’s word or this 21-year-old watchman?

On July 22, Singh was removed from the job based on complaints from residents, including Ghurde. Gupta said Singh had linked Ghurde’s complaint to his termination. Ghurde’s missing umbrella was found in Singh’s possession. Singh’s employer refused to pay him two months’ salary…

Rajkumar showed perfumer Monika Ghurde porn clips before raping her: Cops – Times of India
By Murari Shetye on timesofindia.indiatimes.com
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I have no sympathy or this watchman because of his poverty or this unemployment status. I am just trying to reason out with the well-heeled people that not to mess with people who have nothing to lose. Of course, this 21-year-old guy had an immature brain; he has a pathologically criminal bent of my mind, and this was just an outlet for him to do something is had fantasised.

But after his desperate situation, he was at a stage where he had nothing to lose.

Why I went to a method acting workshop last Sunday

Around 2009 I was at a client place who had his old friend from NY a celebrity astrologer to Bruce Willis types as he claimed. So this guy was an old friend of my client, and my client did everything only after consulting him, even hiring of the key managers for his business.

Since I was there, the astrologer asked to see my hand and told me that I would be a famous actor or something. Both my client and I were shocked and laughed it away.

But seriously, I thought, I couldn’t act to save my life! Now in 2016, since my chosen career isn’t doing all that well, I came up with this offer of a free acting workshop on a Sunday afternoon.

I said ” Abhi doodh ka doodh aur paani ka paani ho jayega” I enrolled for the workshop and landed there.

Conclusion – We were all given a scene to enact, and I was so bad that now I have no doubt that this celebrity astrologer was just having some fun at my expense.

On a serious note, there are so many talented people out there, they have figured out pretty early what they want to do. There are some people who I have met, who have told me that they wanted to be a dancer or a painter, and have been painting and dancing since childhood.

I am still not sure in my mid 40’s, what I want to become? Ahem.. this means I will always be in exploration mode. Not really a good thing, but some are supposed to be rolling stones.

luxstorm / Pixabay

Market thinking in love

She said we will be together when you have enough money, and you are not working like a dog.

He said, but I will never have enough money. Things have only been getting bad for me, in fact statistically, it is proven that people generally expect that things would be better in the future than they turn out to be.

He says – I don’t care! Let’s move in, even if we have to starve, let’s start a family.

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p dir=”ltr”>She says – you are kidding. You don’t have any freaking idea what it takes to be married, you are just irresponsible who doesn’t know how to take care of himself or others. How could you even have suggested such a thing?

He says – Well, generally this is how it was done earlier, people got married and then things did take care of themselves. I guess I am still old fashioned. You obviously have a market thinking mindset. I don’t blame you. I hate millennials and their way of thinking.

geralt / Pixabay

Face to Face with Big B

As a kid, growing up, I was crazy about Bruce Lee first and then Amitabh Bachchan. But as I grew up, I am no longer crazy about Big B or even watch his movies; in fact, I barely manage to watch a Hindi movie in a couple of years. I feel Hindi movies are way too long and I would rather sit at home and watch someone youtube blog.

Coming Back to Big B, As a growing up young kid, I wanted to meet Big B, but Dad never had the time to take me to his bungalow in Juhu, dad never fancied idolising these stars, I suppose.

So last year I happened to be at title waves, where Amjad Khan’s son has written a murder thriller book and Big B was there to launch the book.

My first impression was, his whole body language was so full of gratitude, he was humble and “not aggressive”. Also, I thought he was one of the most good looking men out there. So that’s it, guys, summing it up, I feel if you want to find someone who is the most “cultured” public celebrity, Big B wins it hands down, you just can’t beat him in culture (tehzeeb would be a better word).

These are some pictures I managed to capture below.

 

 

Discovering smoothie

I was not a fan of smoothie. I think a smoothie is made of yoghurt, while a milkshake is milk based. But anything blended well forming a homegenous mixture is what I would call a smoothie.

I dont like like the taste of milk and recently I have discovered that yoghurt don’t suit me. So my options is now limited to nut based milk like soya or almond. I use soya mostly as it’s much cheaper than almond milk and is a bit creamier than almond milk which is very watery.

Also if you research on the nutrients, soya milk has more protein than almond milk. So now to get all those fruits and the goodness inside me, I got this epiphany that a to blend them and gulp them would be the fastest and the tastiest way!

I got this Oster smoothie maker at Amazon for Rs 1750/- which is pretty good for the price. It has a bottle as a blender attachment which doubles up as a smoothie dispenser. Now that saves some washing time?

Also so I have been hearing every hipster talking about the goodness of chia seeds, not to be left behind, I got myself some chia seeds. 🙂

 

The Mind tries to find patterns – A Story about childhood friendship.

Have you said to yourself “Man why does this happen to me all the time?”. Have you observed, how many close calls you had in life, I mean I could have been dead when I was eight years old. I had set up this lab on the balcony of my house, and I was at least getting one electric shock every day trying to become the next Einstein.

Yes, my childhood dream was to become a scientist, but my Dad thought I should become an Engineer and manage his business. So I did become an Engineer.

A couple of weeks back I was missing an old childhood friend Rajesh of mine, I mean we grew up like brothers, but then we lost touch, and a few days later I found Rajesh sitting at the table across me and sipping his coffee. We both recognised each other, but we didn’t talk.

I realised we weren’t kids now, I found him grumpy and felt it isn’t worth working on the old relationships now. Yes, you might say, “how cruel?”. Yes, I feel sometimes, I don’t have a heart, the cold-blooded way in which I manage to conduct myself.

But then again after a few days I meet another Rajesh, who tries to help me with some important work. Here my mind, starts talking to myself “ Woh, God compensated me with another Rajesh”

But hope you are getting the drift, all these coincidences happening to me, I am building a pattern, I am linking the first event “My remembering of my childhood friend” to the other 2 events.

I know, we all love connecting the dots…

But stop there, just don’t connect the dots and let it be! Trust me; you will save yourself a lot of bothers.

 

 

 

deborahsk0 / Pixabay

Learning iMovie

So, I purchased an eLearning course to learn the tricks of making a movie. Before I begin the course, I decided to see how the software works. I want to use the film for mainly editing the various video footage I take on my DJCAM ( a GoPro type camera).

Below is the video which takes about 3 minutes to create because of the imovie presets of a movie trailer. I don’t know, how I would be able to make a better movie than this, but then would do a before/after three months video and see if the investment I made in the course was worth it.

Conversations from the coffeeshop today…

So I forgot my headphones again, and now I am forced to listen to other people’s conversation. Here are some examples today.

1) A young (lower) middle-class couple on a matrimonial date. The boy tells her (in Marathi), that he likes her nature. The girl in her mind does a small victory dance followed by a high five. They chatter inane stuff for a while and then get out.

2) A bhai looking person with a tattooed arm, is mouthing such bad words without being self-conscious (bhenc.. , la.de) Of course if he were self-conscious he wouldn’t have been a Bhai but would be in a corporate job. (My bad).

3) Two guys from the corporate world come in, if the Bhai’s are a disgruntled lot, then the corporate guys are the over satiated men. They have this overwhelming sense of overachievement. One guy has such an authoritative tone that the entire coffee shop could hear what he is talking, but he goes on oblivious to his surrounding, this is just an extension of his meeting room and not a public space, speak of the sense of entitlement.

Well.. Now I have to get back to work

OVAN / Pexels

Body Intelligence

BI
 As long as I can remember, I have been fighting with my physical self, i.e., my body. As a young kid, I was always envious and in awe of my school mates, who excelled in physical sports & athletics. I had a friend who did like 100 meters in 14 seconds.

I always wondered why I could not run as fast as him. Once in school, a friend hit me on my back so hard; I had difficulty breathing, (it was just a game, like the first person who spots, will hit or something). I wondered what kind of strength he had. (He was a Muslim). Again one guy in school, almost caught me by my neck and lifted me in the air (or so I thought). No I wasn’t bullied as somehow I had the school bullies as friends, but these were some instances as growing up, I felt the physical powers of others.

Constant sickness, be it a stomach bug or sore throats and skin allergies were my favorite companions. Now I see my physical illness as a gift, not as a disease. I try to listen to my “body intelligence”. I don’t even listen to my mind. If my body says it can do something, I will do it. Otherwise, I won’t. It’s what you call “gut instinct.”

So I welcome any physical ailments like I would appreciate a teacher and learn from it, the lessons she wants to teach you. My life probably doesn’t need me to run the 100-metre race in under 14 seconds or do a full marathon. Maybe my life needs a little bit of sickness to make me rest a bit and appreciate all that that I have loved and lost.

I have been trying to look cool for too long.

photo-1462430638866-7ad892655344

My entire adult life is going in trying to look cool. The thing is a lot of different people think, different things will make them look cool. I am a kind of social rebel, what people consider being cool, I would try to do the opposite of it.

Popularly people think being successful and owning houses and cars is cool. I have gone all out to make “being poor” look very cool, and so far I seem to be succeeding well.

Now I am wondering what I achieve in this attempt of mine of being cool to prove a point to other people whose definition of cool is skewed (which I think is materialistic ). I am now tired of proving to the world there is another way of living. I just want to be!!

 I don’t want to be a rebel and be a cool dude. Will I succeed in not being cool?

My apple aged 40 days – story.

Screen Shot 2016-06-29 at 9.10.58 PM

Okay, I received some apples as a gift on 22nd May, but you know, I was not in a mood to eat apples. I don’t store apples in the fridge, as I know they have a pretty stable shelf life.

Then one morning, I realised, from the time I wake up around 8.30 to the time I have breakfast around 11.30 -12 pm, I need to eat something to keep my stomach from aching, so I decided, I would eat an apple till I make it to the breakfast table.

So after about 40 days, I wondered if I could still eat this apple. I posted on social media, asking my network, whether I should eat the apple or throw it away. 98% percent unanimously said its better to throw away. But a couple of people did suggest, apples are quoted with edible wax which increases their shelf life.

I cut the apple, and saw that it was mildly brown, I took a bite and it was crunchy and quite sweet almost like it was plucked out of the tree yesterday.

On doing some research on the internet, it seems like apples are sometimes stored for nearly a year in a freezer before they reach your table, and most apples nowadays are chemically treated so they don’t oxidise. But it rather safe to eat them, only it’s less nutritious than the apple freshly plucked.

“To slow the proverbial sands of time, some fruit distributors treat their apple bins with a gaseous compound, 1-methylcyclopropene,” the USDA states. “It extends the fruits’ post-storage quality by blocking ethylene, a colorless gas that naturally regulates ripening and…

That apple you just bought might be a year old – but does it matter?
By Alice Dubin and Chris Serico on www.today.com
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Long-boarding weekends in Sobo

So, I am spending my weekends in Sobo, mostly working all afternoon at Starbucks at Fort and then Longboarding for an hour in Sobo around Fort.

Fort has some good traffic free lanes, and the roads are not bad. Also, another reason I hang around fort is for some cheap food. 🙂