18th feb 1999.
It was a busy working day for me, I had my usual day at the factory, there was no reason I should be more tired than usual. This was not the usual tiredness of the body, it was tiredness of a different kind, a gloomy kind of tiredness where you want to pull up the blankets and go to sleep for 20 hours, its the kind of tiredness you feel before the onset of a severe sickness. Your body is fighting the sickness before you even know about it or is preparing you for a calamity?
I tell my companion, Iam tired, very tired and I would like to retire, we both retire early, much earlier than our usual time, maybe I had passed on the tiredness to my pregnant companion? The phone starts ringing maybe around 1.30 am. I hear the voice of my brother in law “Daddy is no more”. The mind cannot believe it, how can it be possible, but the body knew about it, before hand.
I am feeling the same kind of tiredness today, the kind I felt that day. It a scary feeling, I start counting the people I love in this world who are still alive, including myself.
I cannot stand loud sound, I cannot stand people who talk loud, I
cannot stand people who have loud behavior or loud gestures (like
shaking hands in a death grip).
I am sure everyone doesn’t like these attributes in people, but I feel
I am just too sensitive about loud noise, particularly non rhythmical
loud sounds, particularly when it sounds like two people arguing. (I
love loud rock music though)
Many times people use talking loudly (sometimes with cuss words) as a
strategy, so they can be a bully, it’s a deliberate behavior
adaptation. It is actually an art which when perfected can help you
triumph over others just because of good loud roar. But I know how to
recognize these actors, I don’t get irritated or intimidated by their
loud put on. But when I hear someone talking loudly or arguing in a raw street
fight manner, I am really put off, rather my heart starts beating
faster, I get a mild panic attack.I want to go and slap the person and
ask him/her to shut up. I think I suffer from the fear of loud sound.
My earliest memories of loud sound ( when I was barely 7/8 years old
maybe even earlier) are of my parents shouting and fighting like cats
and dogs, things were really bad, it came to fist fights. May be it’s
a childhood trauma? This is my theory, what do you think? Do you fight in front of your
little kids ever? Hope no parent ever does that.